it's a beautiful life

This is life…

Still feeling super unappreciated and taken for granted.. Still spending money on a kid who could care less.. Still wasting my breath trying to get him to get a job.. Unsure what to do.. If I kick him out, I’ll lose a friend, but he’ll suck me dry if I let him continue to mooch off of me. I thought I was just helping out a friend, but now it feels like I adopted a kid.. I have less food, pop, I wake up and I have less cigarettes.. I do everything I can for this kid, but he can’t even say thank you.. I’m so confused as to how you grow up and don’t learn that please’s and thank you’s are the easiest way to get what you need.. Its like I’m doing all of this for him to just breeze by.. I don’t know that he’s ever been kicked in the ass before and told to shape up or get out.. I don’t want to act like his mom, but seriously. Its been a month in a half, and he’s either been drunk, or sleeping on my couch the entire time. And I keep telling him he can sleep upstairs, but he won’t. And having him always downstairs on the couch effects me too. Like I feel like I can’t be loud or have people over if he’s sleeping because he’s in a common area. I’m just so frustrated. I don’t want to lose a friend, but I can’t afford to do this anymore.. Someone please get him motivated..

I knew this was going to happen. I’m starting to resent Little. He doesn’t do anything helpful/productive unless I bitch at him and I don’t want to have to do that. Like you’re almost 20 years old and you can’t pick up after yourself? Why is it that I got a job in a week and its been almost 2 years and he still can’t manage to get one? Literally want to scream and yell and kick him out. I don’t know what else to do or say to him. I can’t take much more though. Its like, I have to pay for groceries and pop and buy cigarettes and beer and like I just can’t do it anymore. I didn’t realize that when I said he could stay with me, I was agreeing to take care of another child. Like I can barely support myself, and now I have to support him? Every time we do something, I drive. Every time we get beer, I buy it. Every time I come home from doing something, he’s laying on the couch. Like it literally took me one week to get a job and he went and applied for the same jobs I did and supposedly went to an interview at chili’s. Well why is it that I have a job now and he still doesn’t? He’s not going to sleep on my couch forever and he sure as hell isn’t going to be able to keep mooching off of other peope forever.

So I’m about to see this band called Paint Me Irrational and I just don’t know how I feel about it. The guitarist from my favorite band ever Between the Trees has joined this band post-BTT breakup and I just don’t know about it. This is very emotional for me because BTT was my favorite band for 5 years and the breakup was the most difficult time for me. After all of the shows I went to and the house show, I just grew do attached to the guys. Seeing them perform for the last time was literally heartbreaking. So, here I am, seeing this new band that has somehow replaced my favorite band… And I just have mixed emotions. Glad to be seeing Stevie and to be around such genuine guys again, but sad that its not Ryan, Jeremy and Josh.

Secrets

I hate ‘em. Eat me alive, you bastard. I wanna cry. Bad days turn into bad weeks. God, why did You give me so much in such a short time? I can’t continue to put on a smile and be optimistic about situations that just get more and more difficult. Laid off, no job = no income. Which means no independence. Its been less than 48 hours and I’m going crazy. I need stability of some sort and work was my only form of that. I just don’t know what I’m going to do. I feel empty and lost and sad. Tears won’t come though; my tough exterior prevents those these days. I’ve cried too many of them for them to even bother anymore. I just have that aweful feeling in the pit of my stomach that I’m drowning and there aren’t any life guards in site. I just… Jfjjkginkdolpobdfmk.. That’s how I feel. I want everything and nothing. I want someone to understand.